Welcome! We’re Kathie, Laura and Stephanie, a trio of Angelenos who weigh in yearly on the Oscars. On 363 days of the year, we have lives. Jobs. Kids. Perspectives. Mostly.
On Academy Awards night, the entire universe bends into a singular focus trained like a laser beam on a wide-screen TV. Our eyes narrow with intensity, taking in every dress, joke, or itinerant husband who happens to wandering into frame as confused as a Kardashian feeding the homeless. This level of concentrated is only achieved for the Oscars. And recently, Downton Abbey. But generally, Oscars.
Our history with Oscar is long and storied. We’ve worked in the entertainment industry. We’ve experience the joys of Oscar and the agony of defeat, also known as the year Crash won. Why do we care so much about the Academy Awards? Simply, because it is there.
So join us as we live-blog the 84th Annual Academy Awards. Bring on the artists, the descendants, the Streep and the Pitt! At last, the night of nights is underway!
5:00pm: We're not sure we've recovered from red carpet madness, or if Ryan Seacrest will ever get Bisquick/the ashes of a dead dictator out of his ears. (HE HAS.) After the excitement on E, we realized Uncle Tim (Gunn) was covering the red carpet on ABC. We're locked and loaded on ABC now -- bring on the Brangelina.
5:01pm: Or Cameron Diaz looking like an human snowflake.
5:05pm: Stephanie: "Glenn Close is our American Helen Mirren." YES. Or she's attended by baby vampires at all times because DEAR GOD the woman looks amazing.
5:10pm: We're all in agreement that Stacey Keibler is dressed like Oscar, and that The Cloones will be juggling gold by the end of the evening. (I'm still pulling for you, Jean Dujar-you're adorable.)
5:20pm: Natalie Portman is in a prom dress! Now we're marveling at her gorgeous skin.
5:22pm: Tom Hanks/King of Hollywood has appeared. WE'RE CLOSE PEOPLE.
5:30pm: And we're off! Morgan Freeman. Okay, we're going with it. Billy Crystal's requisite movie opener -- this is why we love him. Octavia Spencer can do no wrong. Tom Cruise can, like inexplicably appearing in an Oscar open.
5:42pm: Stephanie doesn't care about a 50-year seat filler. We're already bitter.
5:53pm: There is some love right now for the movie montage. Billy Crystal making sex jokes, excuse me while my skin flies off my body. (Wrong, just wrong.) Stephanie is extremely concerned about the transparency of JLo's bosoms right now -- is that a SHADE? -- but she and CamD are rocking the coordination. And girlie giggles -- wee!
5:59pm: The biggest question of the evening -- DOES MERYL HAVE A STYLIST?
6:01pm: Laura is annoyed Tom Cruise is trying to convince her to love movies. She's already in, alright Tom? Stephanie is worrying that there won't be any upsets and is waxing romantically about a Rooney Mara win.
6:06pm: Sandy B! Best dress of the night. Something about Best Foreign Film-just give it to A Separation. On a personal note, we went to see Wanderlust last night over A Separation. The funniest thing about Wanderlust was the super-high people laughing hysterically at the beginning of the movie, only to grow stone cold sober halfway through. Which happens when a movie murders joy.
6:10pm: Best Supporting Actress. We're calling it for Octavia. How we love you, Melissa McCarthy. And Janet McTeer (with her hunka date). And Octavia with ANOTHER hunka date. Who are these attractive dates? LOUD SNAPS FOR THE WIN, OCTAVIA!! Charming acceptance. Stephanie thinks her Golden Globes was better. Laura weighs in that the enormity of Oscar overwhelmed her. If the house was burning down right now, I'm not sure we'd notice.
6:21pm: I'm enjoying a salad.
6:23pm: There's some swoonage going on for Bradley Cooper. And Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for Best Editing! Still, Stephanie feels this is still not the upset she covets. A big lament is going on as to why Rooney Mara won't win, but should.
6:34pm: Miss Piggy is dressed liked JLo -- or is it the other way around?
6:37pm: There's some confusion about the relevancy of extremely limber dancers of Cirque du Soleil to Oscar. They are celebrating movies? We'll allow it.
6:40pm: What's Flomax? (Pretty sure this explains this question shows the intended demographic for the night.)
6:42pm: Robert Downey and Empress Goop presenting together. Are they doing a skit? We just want to know what's going on. WHAT'S GOING ON??
7:00pm: Here we go, Best Supporting Actor. ChristopherPlummerChristopherPlummerChristopherPlummer. Jonah Hill's eyebrows of cockiness. He edged out Ewan McGregor for a nomination. We don't like. (ChristopherPlummerChristopherPlummerChristopherPlummer)
7:02pm: CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER! Lovely, lovely, lovely performance. Laura adds, "No, Sheba, No!" (See: The Thorn Birds)
7:11pm: There's a debate going on about vegan chocolate chip cookies. Since they are healthier, you can eat more right? I'm going with yes. Meanwhile, another Oscars montage drones on.
7:16pm: Will Ferrell and Zach Gali-whatever, finally some levity! Everything they say and do is funny. Yes, YES, Bret from Flight of the Conchords wins. He doesn't thank Jason Segel, si SCANDALE!
7:25pm: Angelina is really selling her moment with a red carpet stance on stage. We are perplexed. Yes, Alexander Payne and fellow screenwriter mocking the stance!
7:38pm: The Bridemaids! Who are better than penis jokes that go on too long! We have no idea what should win Best Short Film!
7:44pm: And happy to see a good film Saving Face getting a deserved win.
7:50pm: Here we go, the last big four awards. Best Director. Michel, Michel, Michel! Snaps. He's thanking Harvey Weinstein. Who doesn't?
7:55pm: Why is Meryl presenting Best Actor? We saw Natalie Portman, she was there in her prom dress! WHAT'S GOING ON? Okay, everyone calm down, it's just the Governor's Awards.
8:13pm: Okay, here's Natalie Portman. Seriously swooning over Demian Bichir. JUST SHOW A CLIP. Berenice is translating for Jean. We love them. Omg just give it to Jean before my hand goes perma-cramp, though we are enjoying the Brad camera-play. YAY!!!!! We love you too, Jean!!
8:24pm: Best Actress. Colin Firth now. Oscar is at a premium tonight with men we adore. This is an outstanding year for actresses. And it's Meryl!!! Viola was outstanding but it's Meryl, who is always amazing. We love you, Meryl, and massive points for the most romantic acceptance of the night.
8:32pm: Best Picture, presented by -- no, not Tom Cruise! No! Way to buzz kill the Meryl moment. Man, it was a good year for movies. It needs to be The Artist. IT NEEDS TO BE THE ARTIST.
8:36pm: It is The Artist. We are very happy. The artists are happy. Billy Crystal is happy. A night well done, Academy!