Welcome! We’re Kathie, Laura and
Stephanie, a trio of Angelenos who weigh in yearly on the Oscars. On 363 days
of the year, we have lives. Jobs. Kids. Perspectives. Mostly.
On Academy Awards night, the entire
universe bends into a singular focus trained like a laser beam on a wide-screen
TV. Our eyes narrow with intensity, taking in every dress, joke, or itinerant
husband who happens to wandering into frame as confused as a Kardashian feeding
the homeless. This level of concentrated is only achieved for the Oscars. And
recently, Downton Abbey. But generally, Oscars.
Our history with Oscar is long and
storied. We’ve worked in the entertainment industry. We’ve experience the joys
of Oscar and the agony of defeat, also known as the year Crash won.
Why do we care so much about the Academy Awards? Simply, because it is there.
So join us as we live-blog the 84th Annual
Academy Awards. Bring on the artists, the descendants, the Streep and the Pitt!
At last, the night of nights is underway!
5:00pm: We're not sure we've recovered
from red carpet madness, or if Ryan Seacrest will ever get Bisquick/the ashes
of a dead dictator out of his ears. (HE HAS.) After the excitement on E,
we realized Uncle Tim (Gunn) was covering the red carpet on ABC. We're locked
and loaded on ABC now -- bring on the Brangelina.
5:01pm: Or Cameron Diaz looking like an
5:05pm: Stephanie: "Glenn Close is
our American Helen Mirren." YES. Or she's attended by baby vampires at all
times because DEAR GOD the woman looks amazing.
5:10pm: We're all in agreement that Stacey
Keibler is dressed like Oscar, and that The Cloones will be juggling gold by
the end of the evening. (I'm still pulling for you, Jean Dujar-you're
5:20pm: Natalie Portman is in a prom
dress! Now we're marveling at her gorgeous skin.
5:22pm: Tom Hanks/King of Hollywood has
appeared. WE'RE CLOSE PEOPLE.
5:30pm: And we're off! Morgan Freeman.
Okay, we're going with it. Billy Crystal's requisite movie opener -- this is
why we love him. Octavia Spencer can do no wrong. Tom Cruise can, like
inexplicably appearing in an Oscar open.
5:42pm: Stephanie doesn't care about a
50-year seat filler. We're already bitter.
5:53pm: There is some love right now for
the movie montage. Billy Crystal making sex jokes, excuse me while my skin
flies off my body. (Wrong, just wrong.) Stephanie is extremely concerned about
the transparency of JLo's bosoms right now -- is that a SHADE? -- but she and
CamD are rocking the coordination. And girlie giggles -- wee!
5:59pm: The biggest question of the
evening -- DOES MERYL HAVE A STYLIST?
6:01pm: Laura is annoyed Tom Cruise is
trying to convince her to love movies. She's already in, alright Tom? Stephanie
is worrying that there won't be any upsets and is waxing romantically about a
Rooney Mara win.
6:06pm: Sandy B! Best dress of the night.
Something about Best Foreign Film-just give it to A Separation. On
a personal note, we went to see Wanderlust last night over A
Separation. The funniest thing about Wanderlust was the
super-high people laughing hysterically at the beginning of the movie, only to
grow stone cold sober halfway through. Which happens when a movie murders joy.
6:10pm: Best Supporting Actress. We're
calling it for Octavia. How we love you, Melissa McCarthy. And Janet McTeer
(with her hunka date). And Octavia with ANOTHER hunka date. Who are these
attractive dates? LOUD SNAPS FOR THE WIN, OCTAVIA!! Charming acceptance.
Stephanie thinks her Golden Globes was better. Laura weighs in that the
enormity of Oscar overwhelmed her. If the house was burning down right now, I'm
not sure we'd notice.
6:21pm: I'm enjoying a salad.
6:23pm: There's some swoonage going on for
Bradley Cooper. And Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for Best Editing! Still,
Stephanie feels this is still not the upset she covets. A big lament is going
on as to why Rooney Mara won't win, but should.
6:34pm: Miss Piggy is dressed liked JLo --
or is it the other way around?
6:37pm: There's some confusion about the
relevancy of extremely limber dancers of Cirque du Soleil to Oscar. They are
celebrating movies? We'll allow it.
6:40pm: What's Flomax? (Pretty sure this
explains this question shows the intended demographic for the night.)
6:42pm: Robert Downey and Empress Goop
presenting together. Are they doing a skit? We just want to know what's going
on. WHAT'S GOING ON??
7:00pm: Here we go, Best Supporting Actor.
ChristopherPlummerChristopherPlummerChristopherPlummer. Jonah Hill's eyebrows
of cockiness. He edged out Ewan McGregor for a nomination. We don't like.
7:02pm: CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER! Lovely,
lovely, lovely performance. Laura adds, "No, Sheba, No!" (See: The
7:11pm: There's a debate going on about
vegan chocolate chip cookies. Since they are healthier, you can eat more right?
I'm going with yes. Meanwhile, another Oscars montage drones on.
7:16pm: Will Ferrell and Zach
Gali-whatever, finally some levity! Everything they say and do is funny. Yes,
YES, Bret from Flight of the Conchords wins. He doesn't thank
Jason Segel, si SCANDALE!
7:25pm: Angelina is really selling her
moment with a red carpet stance on stage. We are perplexed. Yes, Alexander
Payne and fellow screenwriter mocking the stance!
7:38pm: The Bridemaids! Who are better
than penis jokes that go on too long! We have no idea what should win Best
7:44pm: And happy to see a good film Saving
Face getting a deserved win.
7:50pm: Here we go, the last big four
awards. Best Director. Michel, Michel, Michel! Snaps. He's thanking Harvey
Weinstein. Who doesn't?
7:55pm: Why is Meryl presenting Best
Actor? We saw Natalie Portman, she was there in her prom dress! WHAT'S GOING
ON? Okay, everyone calm down, it's just the Governor's Awards.
8:13pm: Okay, here's Natalie Portman.
Seriously swooning over Demian Bichir. JUST SHOW A CLIP. Berenice is
translating for Jean. We love them. Omg just give it to Jean before my hand
goes perma-cramp, though we are enjoying the Brad camera-play. YAY!!!!! We love
you too, Jean!!
8:24pm: Best Actress. Colin Firth now.
Oscar is at a premium tonight with men we adore. This is an outstanding year
for actresses. And it's Meryl!!! Viola was outstanding but it's Meryl, who is
always amazing. We love you, Meryl, and massive points for the most romantic
acceptance of the night.
8:32pm: Best Picture, presented by -- no,
not Tom Cruise! No! Way to buzz kill the Meryl moment. Man, it was a good year
for movies. It needs to be The Artist. IT NEEDS TO BE THE ARTIST.
8:36pm: It is The Artist. We
are very happy. The artists are happy. Billy Crystal is happy. A night well